I should have been heading off to the airport this morning but instead I go to the gym. Every cloud has a silver lining! I’m all fired up to do my favourite class Basic Training, but my regular instructor isn’t there and the substitute guy seems a bit scary. I’m not great at change or unknown quantities. I figure I have about a 2 minute window to make a decision in the warm up – stay and suck it up, even if I don’t like his class or leave immediately while it is still safe to escape. I figure it is my workout, my choice and one of the things living with Cancer teaches you pretty quick is that life’s too short to do things you don’t enjoy or don’t make you happy.
So of course, living my mantra, I leave. If this is going to be my last workout for a while, I am damn well going to enjoy it and leave nothing in the tank! The weather is glorious so I take myself outside and go for a big 8km run. Running outside in the sunshine is so awesome – as corny as it sounds – it just feels so good to be alive! I love road running because I find not only is it good for the body but it’s great for the mind, too. It clears out all those cobwebs – like a bit of a mental spring clean.
I think about this funny journey I’m on – where it’s taken me, where I’m at and what lies ahead. Everyone who knows me knows how I like to be in control – I like to, more than that, I need to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen and why, in all areas of my life. I can’t help it that’s just how I function day to day. For me, one of the hardest things about having Cancer is that the rug has totally been pulled from under my feet. There is quite simply no way of knowing what’s going to happen, no real timeline and no real reasons why. I am going to have to accept that I don’t and can’t know everything- and fast. Frustrating though it is, not being able to know what’s going on in my body, and more to the point, being unable to control it, is my new reality. I don’t like it so much, but I’m prepared to accept it.
So you know what, I’m not going to drown in my own self pity and think how terrible this is. Because you know it’s not so bad. I’ve still got everything in my life that I love. Sure I can’t go on holiday now, but I’ll be able to go in the future, and you know what, the holiday will be bigger and better than the one I would have been going on today and hell, I’ll be appreciating it a whole lot more too! Moreover, I’ve got something else in my life, that’s just added an extra dimension. I’m going to use this Cancer to my advantage, and take it for what it is, a massive wake up call. I’m gonna get my life by the balls and run with it! This experience isn’t going to break me, it’s going to empower me and make me a stronger and better person in the long term.
Apart from having Cancer, I also have a passion for baking that is spiralling out of control. Since I reached my Weight Watchers goal weight in October last year, I rarely eat baked goods, even the ones I make myself so I’m always looking for folk to feed. Usually David and my workmates are the main beneficiaries. In recent weeks, I’ve even started feeding the homeless guy on the corner near work. But I’m always looking for new candidates to join my Feeder Program. So after my run, I come home and bake some of Donna Hay’s delicious Standby Brownies to take to hospital. I’m sure I can entice some visitors and even some of the nurses onto my Feeder Programme!
